When will we start collectively addressing our wounded feminine?
The worst illusion I’ve ever had (and maybe still have) myself under is that we leave our middle/high school selves in the past. I used to believe that we weren’t those people anymore – that we grew up, learned, experienced more, and as a result, have left those toxic behaviors behind. I of course am still working on wounds from my past that will sometimes spring up at the most inopportune of times, but in my experience, I know that 99% of the time, when I feel hurt, it’s much less about the other person and more about me. I’ve learned so much about myself and I’ve gone back in time through meditation/journey state to sit with the wounded versions of myself – the 12-13-14-15-16 year old(s) and do healing work with them. I will take responsibility for my healing. Holding onto pain and grudges against those who have crossed us is like consistently feeding ourselves poison in hopes that the other person will be hurt. I will heal myself. Others’ healing is not my responsibility – consequences will catch up, and honestly? I hope that everyone heals. Because if we can all take a breath and realize that being in this world is traumatic in itself, and take steps toward our own healing, we’re way less likely to keep hurting each other (therapy is good – therapy is good – therapy is good)
Lately, my impressionable, gullible Pisces side is sad. I’m bummed and numbly shocked and disappointed to see that a lot of us are still operating as our middle/high school selves into our late 20s, 30s, 40s, and beyond.
When I was younger, I thought I would be surrounded by women who were older, therefore wiser, who would guide me and teach me as I also went through this stage of life.
They are teaching me, but not in the way I had hoped or idealized. Now I’m learning who I don’t want to be. How I don’t want to act. How I really want to show up for my family, my friends, and my clients. And mostly, how incredibly important the work of healing is. We must do it. For everyone’s sake.
The question of, “Why do we keep doing this?” keeps rolling around and around in my head like an 8 ball that just refuses to sink into the corner pocket. Didn’t we get our fill of all of this dramatic bullsh*t back in middle school? High school? Why do we keep bringing it forward now, repeating it over and over, wounding ourselves the same way? An inescapable hellish stage production that just keeps going, with the same storylines, same characters (even if they get re-cast a few times), and same endings. Is it not exhausting? Or is my stamina just non-existent?
Screenshots. Private messages. Closed group texts. Telling stories that aren’t ours to tell. ‘Hearing it through the grapevine’ and repeating it regardless of its accuracy or source. Taking things personally when they really aren’t about us at all.
God, that was middle school for me. And I never wanted to go back. Yet I find myself somehow there again. Instead of seeing lockers, backpacks, desks, and Abercrombie & Fitch everything, now I just see it all play out in each faction of my existence, regardless of if I wanted to be involved or not (hint: I really don’t ever want to be involved). When I experienced this in middle school from friends and acquaintances I thought to myself, Wow, this really sucks. I would never wish this upon anyone. I’m going to do the best I can to make sure I never make anyone feel this way.
And that’s the truth. The whole truth. I have been through so much in my life. My heart has been shattered. The rug has been pulled out from under me. I have walked up to the edge and jumped – miraculously I’m still here today. The point is that since I know how it feels, I try so hard to make sure that no one else around me will ever feel that way, because it is so heavy and gutting and soul-crushing. I grew up. I learned. But I should know better. I have no say in how other people will feel, and I certainly can’t control how others will feel, regardless of how hard I try. In the end, all I have are my words and what I’ve learned in my time here. So that’s what I’ll share:
I think collectively, a lot of us still operate with these old mindsets and programs because we really haven’t ever gone back to rectify or start to heal wounds that we first encountered in these formative years of our lives. I’ll go first – when I was young, I was picked on a lot in elementary school (for god knows what real reason) and didn’t have many understanding teachers. I developed an intense fear around criticism and ‘getting in trouble.’ I’m still working on this one, but it has gotten better. Instead of going into a full panic-attack mode when someone asks me, “Hey, could I make a suggestion?” (and usually it isn’t worded as nicely) – now I take a deep breath and listen to what they want to say, knowing that I can either take their criticism to heart – or leave it, if I feel like it doesn’t resonate.
Speaking of taking things to heart, in my experiences, I’ve definitely learned that 98% of the time, when people lash out at me – it’s not really about me. Everyone who knows me well can back me up on this – when I screw up or make a mistake, I’m the first one to admit it. I think the fourth most common phrase in my personal language is “hey, that was my bad – I’ll get it fixed.” And I do the best I can at the time it happens.
I’ve noticed that some, instead of taking responsibility for the healing that their energetic bodies are asking for, will instead create a story that fits their perspective or how they want the narrative to go. I don’t necessarily categorize this as lying, but lying can be a part of it sometimes. It’s more of manipulation, I think. Twisting and turning the story to our perspective. I understand why this happens. Healing can be really difficult. Going back to those times where we were hurt or traumatized can be asking a lot. So instead of taking the journey into ourselves, we deflect – we turn the story around so it isn’t ‘our’ fault. If we keep up the illusion that we ourselves don’t need any healing, that the other person is horrible and terrible and needs to be locked up (or hopefully, go on their own healing journey) – what does that make us? The victim. And what do victims do? They suffer. If we hurt others without any attempt to heal ourselves, guess what? We’re all hurting.
So instead of making assumptions, creating stories, or trying to ‘read between the lines’ (when there are no lines) – I want to challenge us all to do things differently.
Ask for help if you’re hurting.
If you get triggered by something or someone, please don’t be afraid to speak up and say, “Hey, this is triggering/poking an old wound for me. I need help/support to release this or start to understand this.” When you speak up and let someone know that you’ve been hurt in the past by similar behavior, both of you soften. Not many people intentionally go around hurting and traumatizing others. Most people can’t read minds, either. Most people don’t know about your wounds and traumas. So when you fly off the handle and try to create hurt for them also, they may be completely blindsided and become defensive themselves. You say, “How dare you.” They say, “I didn’t know.”
Ask the person directly for clarity.
Nothing that comes through the grapevine is 100% accurate or true. Instead of passing it around to more people and trying to put the puzzle together with the wrong pieces – reach out to the person in question directly. If you feel uncomfortable doing so, then drop it – there’s no need for you to get involved.
Don’t assume things are about you.
Sometimes when we’re hurting inside, or questioning our own right to be here, we can read or see something that just feels ‘@’ us and have a complete breakdown, even though it wasn’t about us at all. This is normal, and it happens.
Like I’ve talked about before, when you vibrate at a certain frequency, you begin to attract things (or situations or people) that match that frequency. So, sometimes we get accidental ‘confirmation’ of our feelings in our external world if we allow these feelings to take us over completely. The energy we’re putting out created a situation (or found a person or thing) that then forces us to turn our full attention to where we need to heal.
I’ll pull out an example from my life again. When I was in high school, I was a lovesick little thing. I was desperately searching for love and acceptance after being wounded in elementary school and gaining the belief that I was ‘unwanted’ or ‘unwelcome.’ I still maintained this belief through my teenage years because it was so deep, and unsurprisingly, I kept putting myself in situations where I was unwanted or rejected. Kicked out of a friend group. Given the cold shoulder. Rejection of romantic advances. Even though I was a perfectly sweet, loving soul, the Universe kept trying to show me where I needed to heal. That I was the one who needed my love the most. Not someone else. I’ve grown up enough in myself now that I almost want to thank all of the boys who said no to me back then. Bless them all, because they put me down very gently and never said a mean or harsh word. It would have been unfair to put my healing on them. It wasn’t their responsibility. It was mine.
When something comes up and triggers pain, be quick to ask yourself why. Why do I feel like this? Where does it come from? That’s where the healing starts.
Being in this world isn’t easy. Making it more difficult for others and yourself by perpetuating childish drama isn’t the answer.
We’re all in this Earth School to learn. I’m tired of watching my ‘classmates’ suffer more and more when they really don’t need to. Let’s cut the shit & shift. It’s time.