Landing in Chaos…and Being Grateful Anyway

Hello, everyone! I’ve been away for a while. All for good reasons – supporting the business that I run.

For months, we’ve been planning a yoga retreat through our studio for the end of August in beautiful Joshua Tree, California. It was absolutely breathtaking and full of magic – it’s one of my favorite places to be. I was also there to facilitate, hold space, and do energy work, so at the end of the day, it was business, in a sense.

Then, a week later, I found myself in Denver, Colorado for the first gem show expo we’ve been to in nearly TWO years. It was incredibly exciting to finally be able to replenish and renew our stock for the studio! Though I was walking in between some of the most awe-inspiring specimen pieces I’ve ever seen, again, it was still business – talking with the vendors, getting good deals, making sure we were getting the correct amounts and weights and grades. Doing personal shopping, doing networking for other companies that we work with who couldn’t be there. For about 6 hours a day in the hot, Denver sun (it was cracking 98-99 this weekend). It’s a lot. It’s overwhelming. Yesterday I think I took a small breath of relief that I would be coming home today so I could have a few hours in the evening to relax before diving back into it all again.

I was getting little hints through the week that not all was what it seemed, though. There has been a chaotic, dark undertone running underneath these last few days, and I wasn’t quite sure what it was, or where it was coming from.

For the past month, I’ve been having a run of straight nightmares, which is very unusual for me. No matter how much cleaning and clearing and smudging I do of myself and of my bedroom, they persist. I have not been able to break this cycle yet. Sometimes they’re minor dreams. Sometimes I wake up in the night and have to tell myself it wasn’t really happening, and calm myself down enough to sleep again.

Someone I know has left this plane of existence suddenly, without warning, and still without explanation. I will be assisting with their memorial service soon, deeply ritualistic in the solemn, quiet woods. And with the sadness, I sit and wonder why. Why now? Why you? Why us?

I witnessed a traumatic event in Denver in which I found myself playing the role of someone who’s sitting on the pavement while 911 is frantically dialed. An older gentlemen fell off his bike and shattered his hip. He was immense pain, he couldn’t move. No one stopped to help him except us. We stayed with him and tried to support and comfort him for the long thirty minutes it took for the ambulance to arrive. I am sure he’s still in the hospital. I still remember his cries of pain and his yelling as they put him on the stretcher, how he tried to contact his brother, how he thanked us over and over, and how it all still hurts in my heart. And again I sit and wonder: Why you? Why us? Why now?

This morning, we were set up for a leisurely day before our 4:55 PM flight from Denver to Chicago. I had a notion to pack up all of my things early in the morning, before we went to FedEx to wrap, box, and ship all of our stones and crystals. I’m glad I did, because at 9:45 AM, we received a message from Southwest that our flight was cancelled, and we were rescheduled for the next morning.

I nearly went into panic attack mode. I love to take trips, but I love to be home. Home is where I feel safe. Where all of my loves are (human and animal.) Home is where I can breathe and just be, without anyone demanding anything of me (well, aside from the chickens and ducks demanding their mealworm treats, but I don’t mind that.) I had to come home today. I would not accept any other outcome.

We managed to grab the last three seats on the last flight out of Denver to Chicago, at 12:30 PM. We ran straight to the airport, and I held my breath until we were at our gate. Chaos still tried to peck its way in. Once we were lined up for boarding, we were told that boarding would be delayed for 10-15 minutes due to a ‘computer malfunction’ onboard the aircraft. Now that anxiety was here to linger on top of everything else. I think flight anxiety is fairly common, as human bodies are certainly not evolved to be completely comfortable leaving the earth and being 10,000+ feet in the air for an extended period of time. But it’s even more pressure on someone who just wants to be home.

While rushing around trying to handle our flight, I was also trying my best to handle our studio. I have been working or on-call for the entire time that I’ve been away. There were a lot of last-minute requests that I was desperately trying to accommodate. I went up and down our lists of substitutes four to five times over the past few days, and unfortunately, none were available.

Cancelled.

Cancelled.

Cancelled.

I felt a knot in my stomach. It doesn’t look good when you see a studio’s schedule with a bunch of cancelled classes. But there was nothing left I could do. I tried. I did my best.

I’m really lucky that I still have my grandparents on the earth plane with me. I have a special connection to my Poppa, and ever since I was little, he always told me, “As long as you try your best, I’ll always be proud of you.”

I wish everyone was like my Poppa, but unfortunately it isn’t that way.

I’ve become the villain in some people’s stories. Or the ‘bad’ manager. The whispers have curled around my back like the wind and leaves on a dark, autumn day. In my soul, I know this isn’t about me. I’m out here trying my best. I’m 25 years old and have never been trained to be a manager. But I threw myself into it with the best of intentions and learned as much as I could from others that I admire who help manage people and businesses. My Virgo Ascendant does a great job. She’s very attentive to detail, likes to make a lot of notes and memos for everyone, pretty marketing and announcements, and clear, concise policies and contracts. She’s also straight with people. I know for a fact that I am always the first one to apologize and am always ready to work things out the best way that I can when there are mistakes or misunderstandings. I absolutely try to help everyone who comes to me with a question or request. But, not a lot of people have been coming to me. I can’t help if I don’t know that something is off.

The part of me that struggles is the Pisces Moon. When things get chaotic, she cries. She weeps because she thinks she must not be doing enough. That she’s in trouble. That she shouldn’t be where she is. That’s when she wants to escape – to run off, never to be seen again. Away from the world and all of the eyes and the words and the texts and the screenshots and the stories based on nothing of substance.

Oh yeah, even people who have been in this game for 10+ years still struggle with these things. If I’m here, alive, then I’m human. Thankfully, I have tools and practices to bring myself back down, cleanse, reset, and start again. Which is what I have to do. Need to do. I have to keep going.

The truth is that I love where I work. There is no other opportunity in the world like it. I am in deep reverence and gratitude for it every day. I clean the studio on my hands and knees. I perch myself up on the ladder to clean each and every hanging globe light by hand. I dust and wipe off every single crystal and stone we have every week. I scrub the toilets. I cultivate a strong sense of energetic cleanliness by smudging and blessing and opening and closing circles every day. I am constantly in our software making sure things are scheduled correctly. I run and analyze all of our reports weekly. I create all of our visual graphics for marketing and run all of our advertising campaigns. I am in charge of our website as well as our online store. When our stones and crystals come in, I will be the one unboxing them, cleaning them, playing the bowls for them, blessing them, tagging them, logging them in the system, and putting them out on the shelves. When our students have questions about anything, even beyond the means of a yoga studio, I am there to answer. And if I don’t know the answer, I do some research on the computer and have an answer for them when they come out of class. I love our teachers. I think they all bring a healing gift to the studio, all unique to them. I want to help them as much as I can. I am always available through texts and messages and will do my absolute best to figure things out when they need to be. I want to see the best for everyone, because when everyone is experiencing their absolute best, then we all receive a gift.

And that is my truth. Straight from my mouth (well, hands.) No one else can say my truth for me – they aren’t me. I want to watch everyone succeed and live in the light of their Highest Self, because when they do, I smile too. And I know that I am doing my best to be able to support everyone with that intention. I can’t do any more than my best, and I can’t do anything less, because I want to make my Poppa proud.

So as we begin to move into the autumn season, where the air energy takes the dominant hold – things are going to be chaotic. Up in the air. Swirling. Spinning. I ask you, with the sweetest words I can imagine, to observe yourself.

If you find yourself spinning in your emotions or thoughts – ground yourself. Take a breath. Don’t think. Just breathe.

If you find yourself wanting to talk about someone else – ask yourself these things:

  • Is it necessary?
  • Do you have permission to share someone else’s story?
  • Will it positively add to the conversation?
  • Is it kind?

If you’re unsure or uncertain about something or someone else, ask them directly for clarification. Don’t go through a middleman/woman/person for answers – they aren’t them. If you’re uncomfortable asking, explore why. Perhaps the question doesn’t need to be asked. Or, perhaps a better rapport needs to be established so you feel comfortable.

This autumn is going to be tricky. I can feel it already. I will be posting my seasonal guide for autumn soon, but in the meantime, I hope everyone can find peace and stillness in the dark, cool days ahead.

Thank you for being here with me.

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